Where I Am Now

It’s been nearly two weeks since I started taking medication again after a several month hiatus. It’s been a turbulent time. It’s been hard to sleep at night and too easy to fall asleep during the day. It’s been an exhausting challenge to re-wire my thoughts and their repetitive, negative patterns. It’s been hard to use my imagination, it’s been hard to create anything of worth that I want to share with the world. The best times recently have been when my boyfriend has been home. When I’ve listened to him practice his guitar. Watching him constantly progress gives me hope. Or when we sit and watch American Horror Story and eat cereal. Or crisps and chocolate. Recently it’s been lots of crisps and chocolate. And candy. Junk. But it’s been needed.

I’ve let people down recently, and I haven’t been the best friend. I feel awful about this. I’ve always been so proud of my reliability. It was a shock to my system when my anxiety and low mood prevented me from being myself, from reaching out.

Yesterday, however, I had a small breakthrough. I woke up, yanked back the covers and said ‘FUCK THIS SHIT. IT’S ENOUGH NOW. I AM NOT MY FUCKING ANXIETY, I AM NOT MY LOW MOOD.’

I went to the library and came home with nine books. (The Daylight and the Dust by Janet Frame, Salvage the Bones by Jesmyn Ward, Big Brother by Lionel Shriver, Goldengrove by Francine Prode, The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner, Tracks by Louise Erdrich, New British Poetry, The Faber Book of Contemporary Canadian Short Stories and The Short Stories of F. Scott Fitzgerald…in case you were wondering.) I’ve been struggling to concentrate on reading recently and that’s been so damaging to my mood. So short stories and poetry are perfect for easing me back in. The novels I’ve chosen are mainly by authors I’m familiar with and cherish. It will be like meeting up with old friends again.

I started and finished the brilliant and beautiful The Daylight and the Dust – Selected short stories by Janet Frame and slowly, slowly ideas started to swim to the surface. I felt quietly excited. And so relieved I wanted to cry. Today I will write a poem inspired by one of the ideas I had.

Today I feel that I’m doing alright and the only way is up.

And there is a positive behind all of these difficulties. They have strengthened my belief that being a mother is what my life has been leading up to. That all the hardships have been tutoring me on how best to bring up my little person, when he or she eventually arrives. I daydream about the day when I give birth. I daydream about the day when my boyfriend and I will take our little person into the forest for the first time. I daydream about writing little notes in a leather notebook for our little person to read. I believe I’ll make a good Mum.

Today I watched this enlightening video from the ever inspirational Jim Carrey. I can’t recommend it highly enough.




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