This post is going to be a tangle of thoughts and for that I apologise, but things haven’t been right around here for a while, and it’s the only way that I know how to communicate at the moment – with one shakily typed word after another.
To finish my ‘to do’ lists this week has been neigh on impossible. My energy levels have been terrifyingly low, and most days I have been watching the clock for ages at a time, looking forward to nightfall when I can tunnel under my duvet and be devoured by sleep. But going to bed hasn’t provided any relief, as my most horrible thoughts arrive then and that’s when I do most of my crying.
I’ve been craving pure, pitch darkness, where nothing happens but my own breathing, but my dreams have had horrible stories planned…and night after night I’ve been plagued with nightmares, crammed with abandonment and failure. Where I’ve been a laughing stock, a sad figure flung to one side, forgotten and left to decay.
I saw someone about how I’ve been feeling…about the low mood. I lied without even knowing. Only afterwards did it hit me that I wasn’t half as well as what I had conveyed. ‘OK’ more than 50% of the time? Bullshit…
A lot of the time, when I talk about my depression on here, Facebook, Tumblr and Instagram, I worry. I worry that those that see I’m struggling think ‘Oh for fucks sake! She’s complaining again?! Does she ever give it a break? Seriously, she needs to get a fucking grip and stop being so god damn whiny.’ When you have a mental illness, it’s a natural reaction to think that everyone around you is shaking their heads behind your back, yawing and rolling their eyes. It’s a natural reaction to think that everyone just wants you to take a hike over a cliff. It’s a natural reaction to think that everyone wants you to disappear and to disappear quietly with minimal fuss.
It’s a natural reaction to think that there are some sighing with relief, thinking ‘dodged a bullet there…’
Because of these fears 9 times out of 10 I will delete my posts about my low mood before I publish them anywhere. I don’t know how I manage to post them when I do. Like this. I don’t know how I’m opening up here.
There’s always a lot of talk. A lot of talk everywhere I happen to be, about losing weight and sculpting the body. About getting that toned tummy, shapely arse and sleek jawline. But there’s no talk anywhere about sculpting a body from nothing. At the age of 14 I was stripped of my fat and muscle by anorexia. I was nothing but bones and skin. For years my body was an emaciated, disconcerting visage that nobody knew what to do with and nobody wanted to touch. I had no stomach. No arse. No curve to speak of.
Now, at the age of 29 several years after I desired to have a shape that wasn’t straight up, straight down I’m still struggling to sculpt myself. When you are losing weight in order to shape up and haven’t had your life influenced by an eating disorder, it’s clear when you’ve made progress. Your vision isn’t clouded and distorted. You look in the mirror and you see what is really there.
When you are trying to gain weight in order to shape up, clarity rarely exists. I don’t really know how to exactly describe what it’s like trying to sculpt from nothing…it’s something very personal to each and every ex-anorexic who desires a curvacious body.
But just imagine an ongoing battle with yourself about possibly going too far by having carbs at dinner two nights in a row…and that you now need to just have protein and veg for the rest of the week, for the rest of the month, for the rest of forever…because surely your stomach looked like it was bulging slightly this morning and there’s a chance that this ‘shaping up’ might be going to far and you might have gone over the boundary of what is an acceptable weight and size. Ridiculous right?
Imagine thinking that you have gained a mass of weight by eating carbs two nights in a row…and now need to cut back. But then imagine catching sight of your arse when you’re getting changed, and it isn’t the rounded piece of meat you wanted, but a sad, tired looking piece of skin…so should you really revert back to just proteins again or should those carbs come back in your diet? It’s a fucking horrible nightmare that I’m trying very hard to leave behind.