Tangle Of Thoughts

This post is going to be a tangle of thoughts and for that I apologise, but things haven’t been right around here for a while, and it’s the only way that I know how to communicate at the moment – with one shakily typed word after another.

To finish my ‘to do’ lists this week has been neigh on impossible. My energy levels have been terrifyingly low, and most days I have been watching the clock for ages at a time, looking forward to nightfall when I can tunnel under my duvet and be devoured by sleep. But going to bed hasn’t provided any relief, as my most horrible thoughts arrive then and that’s when I do most of my crying.

I’ve been craving pure, pitch darkness, where nothing happens but my own breathing, but my dreams have had horrible stories planned…and night after night I’ve been plagued with nightmares, crammed with abandonment and failure. Where I’ve been a laughing stock, a sad figure flung to one side, forgotten and left to decay.

I saw someone about how I’ve been feeling…about the low mood. I lied without even knowing. Only afterwards did it hit me that I wasn’t half as well as what I had conveyed. ‘OK’ more than 50% of the time? Bullshit…

****

A lot of the time, when I talk about my depression on here, Facebook, Tumblr and Instagram, I worry. I worry that those that see I’m struggling think ‘Oh for fucks sake! She’s complaining again?! Does she ever give it a break? Seriously, she needs to get a fucking grip and stop being so god damn whiny.’ When you have a mental illness, it’s a natural reaction to think that everyone around you is shaking their heads behind your back, yawing and rolling their eyes. It’s a natural reaction to think that everyone just wants you to take a hike over a cliff. It’s a natural reaction to think that everyone wants you to disappear and to disappear quietly with minimal fuss.

It’s a natural reaction to think that there are some sighing with relief, thinking ‘dodged a bullet there…’

Because of these fears 9 times out of 10 I will delete my posts about my low mood before I publish them anywhere. I don’t know how I manage to post them when I do. Like this. I don’t know how I’m opening up here.

****

There’s always a lot of talk. A lot of talk everywhere I happen to be, about losing weight and sculpting the body. About getting that toned tummy, shapely arse and sleek jawline. But there’s no talk anywhere about sculpting a body from nothing. At the age of 14 I was stripped of my fat and muscle by anorexia. I was nothing but bones and skin. For years my body was an emaciated, disconcerting visage that nobody knew what to do with and nobody wanted to touch. I had no stomach. No arse. No curve to speak of.

Now, at the age of 29 several years after I desired to have a shape that wasn’t straight up, straight down I’m still struggling to sculpt myself. When you are losing weight in order to shape up and haven’t had your life influenced by an eating disorder, it’s clear when you’ve made progress. Your vision isn’t clouded and distorted. You look in the mirror and you see what is really there.

When you are trying to gain weight in order to shape up, clarity rarely exists. I don’t really know how to exactly describe what it’s like trying to sculpt from nothing…it’s something very personal to each and every ex-anorexic who desires a curvacious body.

But just imagine an ongoing battle with yourself about possibly going too far by having carbs at dinner two nights in a row…and that you now need to just have protein and veg for the rest of the week, for the rest of the month, for the rest of forever…because surely your stomach looked like it was bulging slightly this morning and there’s a chance that this ‘shaping up’ might be going to far and you might have gone over the boundary of what is an acceptable weight and size. Ridiculous right?

Imagine thinking that you have gained a mass of weight by eating carbs two nights in a row…and now need to cut back. But then imagine catching sight of your arse when you’re getting changed, and it isn’t the rounded piece of meat you wanted, but a sad, tired looking piece of skin…so should you really revert back to just proteins again or should those carbs come back in your diet? It’s a fucking horrible nightmare that I’m trying very hard to leave behind.

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Tangle Of Thoughts

  1. I can relate to this so much. Just know you aren’t the only one. We’re going through the same battle. I struggle with bulimia and depression and it’s the most exhausting thing to deal with. I give you a lot of kudos for posting this.

    Like

  2. Never be afraid to post about what you’re going through – A lot of people are going through the same, and it helps to know that we’re not alone. You can write things and explain things in ways we can’t. I don’t comment much because my mind won’t allow me the focus, but I check this blog several times a day to see if you’ve posted anything, and get a little glimpse of excitement when you have. I’ve never, ever found you ‘whiny’ or repetitive, only enjoyed the writings of the spectrum of your brain which you chart here, from the top of creativity to sharing the lows that plague people with talent.

    This is a disjointed comment too with no conclusion, only a stream of thought.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Never ever think that we find you whiny or repetitive! ❀️ I read your blog because in every single one of your posts, I find a human just like me who writes honestly about her highs & lows, her passions and pains… I find just as much beauty and creativity and inspiration on your blog as I find emotional connection in the darker times. For example, you remember your photography post about how stunning spiderwebs look in the fog? You inspired me to look more closely at the spiderwebs around me when I ventured outside, and partly influenced by your beautiful post, I tried experimenting with incorporating one into my photography, too. Here’s the result, if you’d like to see:

    https://gulabjammanwrites.wordpress.com/2015/10/04/scrapbook-7-spiderweb-season/

    πŸ™‚ I think your poetry is amazing, your creativity is amazing, and your blog is so heartfelt and diverse it’s a pleasure to read. I’m glad you’re open about your depression and body image issues, because I go through similar phases as well! But the mature discussion in this post shows you are more than capable of analysing your own body image objectively – so stay strong and don’t succumb to the pressures or the voices which tell you you need to look a certain way or that you’re not good enough! Your health & happiness is the most important thing. All I can say is that we love you, we love you as you are & we love reading your work, so please hang on in there and don’t give up! ❀️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. What’s a personal blog for, if not talking about your personal problems?

    For whatever it’s worth: you are talented, stylish, and really quite beautiful, and reading about your adventures and your troubles as you piece your life together is an inspiration. Of course it’s difficult, but you admit that it’s difficult and you discuss the difficulty openly and without shame, and that’s a marvel to behold.

    Liked by 1 person

    • A further thought, for honesty’s sake and because calling someone “an inspiration” without demonstrating how they inspire feels inadequate.

      I am not good at doing what you do. I am not convinced that anyone particulary needs to know about my outdated coping strategies, or my cornucopia of ailments, or my not-non-fiction writing or my reconnection with witchcraft, or my polyamorous relationship, even though these define my life as much as the games about which I babble at such length. Even on Tumblr, where it feels safer to hint at the totality of oneself (it’s a more adolescent environment maybe, like the Deadjournal and later Livejournal that I kept as a teenager), I bite my tongue too: type and delete posts and comments which might be unwanted. Me, me, me – who cares? Let’s talk about something external to ourselves, something relevant to the lives and the stories of others, or better yet something trivial and safe.

      You don’t do that. You explore and express yourself, as a joined-up entity, without the careful sifting and sorting of yourself into spheres of influence and meaning that never touch. The word I’m looking for is integrity. You don’t dis-integrate. That’s inspiring.

      Like

      • I have read this comment over and over and over again. I gratefully appreciate the depths to which you have traveled. I want to print it and all of the other comments I have received on this post and stick them on my walls an in my notebook so that I can look at them whenever I start to doubt myself. Thank you.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s