I’m in Stockholm with a belly full of tea and cinnamon rolls, reassessing my life and creative goals. As you’ll be only too aware if you’ve been following this blog for a little while, the past month has been one painful experience after another. My creative productiveness has been erratic and at moments, non-existent. I’ve been somewhat desperate over the past few days, desperate to create, desperate to get feedback, desperate to communicate with other creatives and establish connections and brainstorm ideas and potential collaborations.
I’ve been feeling as though I’m losing something of myself, and if I don’t hold onto my creative dreams with every ounce of strength then I’m going to lose them forever, and I’ll become someone who wanders the internet for hours at a time for no apparent reason, feeling muddled and lost and always on the brink of tears. I don’t know if this post is making much sense, but I’ve been spending the past half an hour writing to myself and I felt I ought to write for my readers and let you know the state of my head.
Other areas of my life are improving, which I’ll talk about in another post, and maybe it will just take a bit of time for things to slot back into place again. But recently, seeing friends and other souls who I don’t know personally doing spectacularly well for themselves with their creative endeavors leaves me extremely happy for them, and proud, but also…not envious, but something else….something I can’t find the word for. But I know that I find myself wondering what it is about me and my work that isn’t enough. Why haven’t I been offered a single job that I’ve applied for? Why is the enthusiasm for the books I put out there lukewarm? Why is it so rare that people want to take a chance on me and what I have to offer creatively? I’ve been feeling like this for quite some time and it’s actually really difficult to write about publicly, but I felt I needed to. I guess the only option I have is to keep going. Keep creating. I’d like to think my time will come, that that big break will happen. It’s just difficult to envisage it right now.