Feeling Something Other Than Terrible

It is midnight. I told myself I would have an early night but it hasn’t happened that way. But it’s alright. It’s alright because this evening has been filled with the kindness of strangers, and despite the waves of emotion that have been smashing over me throughout the day, I’m actually ending it feeling something other than shit…and I wanted to tell you about it because, well, my readers feel more like family as the days go by, and it feels important to tell you about what’s happening in my world because you are now, in my head, very much a part of it. Anyway.

I have been blogging since 2004 (I started on LiveJournal) but it has never been as integral to my life as it has been over the past month. When I was growing up there was no internet and I kept diaries. I wrote thousands and thousands of pages over the years. I poured my young soul into books that nobody but I would read. (Except for my diaries during my anorexia years. People the world over have read parts of those, but that’s another story for a different day.) Sharing my inner most thoughts with you, my dear readers, has helped me more than any therapist could. (And believe me when I say that. I’ve had a dozen or more over the years that I’ve suffered with ill mental health.) The support I’ve received has lit little flames in my darkest days and for that I am forever grateful. So thank you. Thank you so, so much.

Tonight I have been working on my biggest project to date, a book entitled Hyperborean Shadows: Contemporary Dark Northern Culture, and have managed to arrange a number of interviews for when I am in Stockholm next week. All of my interviews for the book thus far have been conducted via email, so it’s going to be extremely exciting actually sitting down with bands and letting the tape recorder roll. I have a lot of preparation to do, but I’m feeling invigorated and ready. This book is an extremely important part of my existence. It gives me a reason to get out of bed. It gives me a reason to not just lie down and let life pass on by.

This evenings soundtrack has been a varied mix of black metal and folk music. The song I’d like to share with you is by a talented musician and good friend of mine called Sara Dennis. It’s called A Ballad of Swords and Shields. It will creep into your soul and stay there.


11 thoughts on “Feeling Something Other Than Terrible

  1. Thank you for always being brutally honest about what’s going on in your life – it adds a lot of dimension when reading your writing and poetry. You can put into words what a lot of us have been through but never could (heart break, loss), and reading it in a beautiful form is a therapy for your readers as well as for you.

    I’ve gained more and more respect for you as I’ve followed your writings because despite the setbacks, you always come back and keep striving for your goals

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Creativity is like a two-way filter. You get all of your negative emotion and ‘stuff’ out, empowering your work, in the process building a bridge to others. Then you receive all of the more positive emotions back over the bridge in feedback and appreciation of your art from your readers. Healing, even if you don’t think so at the time. At least, that is what I think happens. I hope it does. This has put me in mind of the docu-film Amy, recently been on at the cinema. Have you seen it? When Winehouse and her partner split, all of that devastation and heartbreak was poured into her writing for the album Back To Black, her suffering elevating her art form to another level. Keep creating and keep climbing! Good luck with the book.

    Liked by 1 person

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