I fucking love bread. I always have. But when I decided that I needed to lose weight, it was the first thing to go. I didn’t have the internet when I first became anorexic, but the stacks of diet books that I took out of the library told me that bread was a red flag, a danger food, a complete NO NO if I had any hope of wanting to shed the stones.
Out went the bread and in came the Ryvitas and Kallo Rice Cakes. But there was one problem – these two cracker choices were chocked full of carbohydrates and carbs were what I was supposed to be banishing from my daily intake. Sure, the nutritional information on the side of the packet quoted numbers that were significantly less than the numbers on the side of a bread packet, but still…
I would go to school with my crackers and take a few little nibbles before chucking them in the bin, feeling disgusted with myself for even unwrapping these slithers of food (if you can call it that) from their silver foil coats. The guilt of having ingested just a mouthful of carbs was horrendous, and my head would be thick with guilt for the rest of the day.
In hospital, I was never fully weaned off crackers, and the only sliced bread that I would agree to eat was milk roll, which nearly matched the crackers in terms of nutritional numbers. I was in my rut and I sure as hell wasn’t prepared to come out of it. Crackers were a staple of my diet until a few years ago, so, my mid-twenties. My parents would beg me on a daily basis to try something different. Even when I was living away at University, they would ring me and ask what I was having for my lunch. Sometimes I’d lie and say ‘Oh, I’m having bread’ just to keep them off my back. Introducing bread into my diet as a staple was a gradual process, and I find it really fucking sad that I didn’t change my ways sooner. I try not to think of all the delicious bread I missed out on over the years, and whenever a chance comes to try something new nowadays, I pounce.