I never really thought about the shape of my face until I became ill. A few months into my anorexic journey, I realised I hated everything about it. I would pull at it, prod it, pinch it. I would cry because it never seemed to look right. It never seemed to look how I wanted it to look. It never, in my head, looked thin enough. I started wearing my hair in my face to try and distract attention from it, and it became an everyday routine to arrange it so it was covering the bulk of my cheeks. It didn’t occur to me that it was my bones which created the shape I hated so much. Anorexia was able to change practically everything else about me, but it couldn’t take away the bones that made up my face.
As my weight dropped dangerously low, my face took on a gaunt, haunted look. Naturally, I didn’t see this. All I could see were fat cheeks. I hated having my photo taken, and whenever I had to, for whatever reason, I would ensure my face was barely visible. I hated people looking at my passport photo where I had a big moon face.
When I started to recover, it was like my face gained weight before anything else did. I could still put my first finger and thumb around my wrist and make them touch easily, but my face looked liked I dined on Burger King three times a day. Well, in my head it did. It’s only been in the past few years that I’ve realised that I have the same bone structure in my face as my Grandfather had. I don’t have a fat face (I might have at some point…) I have a square shaped face. I’ve looked online for other people with the same bone structure and I’ve found it immensely reassuring. However I was still paranoid about it, up until I visited my boyfriend in Canada in October of this year, and he told me that I look so much better with my hair pulled away from my face. So I tried it, and he was right, I did look better. The effect was ground-breaking. Almost overnight I went from despising my face, to slowly falling in love with it. Since I’ve adopted this new attitude, I’ve photographed my face from multiple different angles, and, to me, it almost looks like I’ve finally grown into it.